I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
