soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
