he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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