And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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