I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
