If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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