Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
