"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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