just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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