Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
