i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
