Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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