We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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