A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
