Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
