Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All the doctor said was why
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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