cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
