there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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