I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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