I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The air taste purple.
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