You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
