Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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