Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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