well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Randomize
