So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
