So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
