I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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