Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
