I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
