Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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