All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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