I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
