I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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