She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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