I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
