my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
