do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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