chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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