saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize
