3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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