i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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