I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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