DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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