You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
