hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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