I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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