I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
