fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
