1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
