Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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