i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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